HeadWillCollapse

You are outdoors.
> Look
You see: the Ukraine. If this had graphics, you’d probably be witnessing a beautiful recreation of the bleak landscape inside the “Zone”: the area of the Ukraine worst affected by the fallout from the reactor fire at the Chernobyl nuclear power station in 1986. You might also witness the glitches generated by your graphics card as it overheats under the demands of the engine providing said recreation.
> North
You have died. The ground beneath your feet has electrocuted you to death. Would you like to restart? Y or N.
> Y

(more…)

I came home on Tuesday evening to find Fat Conan hunched over his PC monitor, staring at the Fallout 3 teaser and hacking at his wrist with a rusty nail file. He was inconsolable, muttering something about polygon counts and the probability of the game being rubbish now that a version had been announced for the PS3. As he continued to jab at his veins he ranted to himself about how the armour he’d seen “…had to be the t-45 model and couldn’t be the t-51b model…that didn’t make sense” and that “…the gun, couldn’t be a gun, not the right mechanisms…”.

A small amount of foam formed at the corners of his mouth and he strained so hard to cry that little puffs of dust erupted from his long since atrophied tear ducts. His manic utterances went on “…why is there a skateboard? why? And the bus, why is the detail of the bus so low? It must be for the isometric view…it must be…unless they just have a low quality bus…and the city, why is there so much stuff in the city? …”. By this point he’d blunted the metal nail file against his tough leathery hide and had resorted instead to chewing on his arm between outbursts.

I just left him to it, caught what I could of the teaser (those bits that weren’t occluded by his bulbous, manical frame) and retired for the evening. I’m glad FC’s an extreme example of the fan-base, you’d have to pity the folks at Bethesda if they were all like him.