HeadWillCollapse

I’ve had my Nintendo DS since August last year and in that time it’s seen its fair share of cartridges (do we still call them that or are they called something trendier nowadays). I have thus far not posted anything about any of them, not even in passing and so I thought it might be time to change that in a set of quick fire reviews of the most notable things I’ve played to date.

With no further ado and in no particular order:

Animal Crossing
Create a little person with a daft name. Put him or her in a little town with an equally daft name. Design some clothes, dress the little person in them and a finish the ensemble with a luchador’s mask. Hope that this fashion statement catches on and the rest of the townsfolk pick up on you unique trends. Collect assorted wildlife, dig holes and furnish your house with stuff you find in bins. (more…)

Fat Conan managed to win an Okami t-shirt by entering a competition on One Life Left (podcast on itunes or listen live Mondays 8pm on Resonance 104). He is, needless to say, very happy as it’s the first thing he’s won without having to club anyone or charge down any hordes. He was also elated to hear someone read aloud something he’d written without it being a demand for the handover of their women/possessions/country. He has informed me that he very much looks forward to stretching his new shirt over his bulbous frame and hopes it doesn’t clash with his animal skins.

Thanks OLL, that’ll keep him sated till autumn.

In gaming terms this, the space year 2007*, was christened with SWAT 4, a game which came free with one of the many video cards Fat Conan recently shelled out for. It’s an FPS with many varied missions and many varied ethnicities to assault along the way making for, what FC imagines is, an almost perfect recreation of real-life police work.

Anyway, with Fat Conan playing it with very much a “Doom” head on his shoulders, he soon found his “if they’re armed, shoot them in the face; if they’re unarmed shoot them in the legs, feet, hands or arms” approach didn’t curry favor with the top brass.

However, what was more interesting was his discovery that shooting an armed suspect dead as they went for their gun (as opposed to letting them shoot at you first) was seen as an “unauthorised use of deadly force” and as such resulted in ten whole points being deducted from his score.

Somewhat disturbingly though: having a suspect surrender, put down his weapon and drop to his knees, then hand-cuffing said suspect before walking nonchalantly around them only to shoot them at point-blank range in the crotch, results in only a five point penalty. Fat Conan wonders if this is the message we should be sending out to our children (not his children, obviously, the years of cumulative damage he’s taken his special region during the many splendid battles he’s fought has put paid to that idea).

* Fat Conan realises he should probably have wished everyone a happy new year.

It’s long been a dream of Fat Conan to be able to contribute to the gaming world by producing his very own independent gem. More specifically, he’s always wanted to write a vertical-scrolling shooter in the vein of DoDonPachi with multiple characters to choose from and a whole bunch of “new” and “innovative” features. However, Fat Conan’s apathy combined with the fact he’s not a real programmer has made pursuit of this dream a somewhat long-winded process. So long-winded in fact that he finished his degree and changed job twice in the time between deciding to write one and actually starting to code it. (more…)

Fat Conan has clearly been out of touch for a while as he managed to miss both UK:R and Consolevania’s mention of this little contest. Somewhat amazingly, despite a contest seeking the best “girl” amongst “female” gamers superficially sounding as enticing as one seeking the best foetus deformity amongst IVF mishaps, the gallery manages to be reasonably easy on the eye.

However, that alone is not enough to prevent FC getting very angry over the event; partially because Fat Conan is a new barbarian and as such thinks that such competitions are demeaning and have no place in a modern, post-feminist society; partially because of the presence of cosplayers in the line-up; but mainly because half of them couldn’t possibly be classified as gamers. (more…)

Warning: Not safe for work, unless you want people to think you have a poorly drawn cartoon woman fetish

Okay, I’ve been meaning to write a little something about this website since I bumped into its “offerings” while looking for images for that Jet Set Radio aticle I wrote a while ago. I can’t tell if it’s highly refined comedy gold or the bizarre gallery of a pure-bred lunatic, so I’ll leave it to you to decide.

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Ouch, iron bar.

Marvel: Ultimate Alliance on the X-box 360

Disclaimer: This ‘review’ was written after one session of M:UA and is therefore constructed from little more than initial impressions. There may also have been a beer-associated-increased-enjoyment factor so please adjust you reading of it accordingly (or simply play the game drunk). Thank you.

When CL! and I sat down to play Marvel: Ultimate Alliance for the first time it was, for me at least, a step into the unknown having never read or heard anything about the game before seeing it on the retailer’s shelf. Half expecting some sort of trite Tekken Clone, with the likes of Cyclops destroying all comers with some sort of cheap “blast you endlessly from the other side of the screen with my overpowered eye-laser” move, I took the controller in hand. However, what I found and what took with complete surprise, was the simplistic joy that the multiplayer game offers.

For those like me (perhaps with Retrogamer subscriptions keeping them abreast of all the gaming news that was hitting headlines two decades ago), who are not in the know, I’ll elaborate. The multiplayer game has you cooperating with the other players, choosing up to four characters from a large pool of Marvel superheroes (including the rubbish ones) and deploying them to fight off what seems like the entire Marvel universe of supervillans (including the rubbish ones). At its core it’s really a superhero themed, 3-d version of Final Fight. Lots of potential for smashing heads, lots of minion heads to smash. However, when played it’s more than just that, the effort that’s gone into it makes it just that little bit special.
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Sunday evening saw the most triumphant return of “VideoGaiden” to BBC Scotchland. Needless to say it’s far and away the best video-game show to date and has finally stopped us lonely, obese, Firefly-loving gamers pining for the days of GamesMaster.

Sure it lacks the sophistication and class of “Bits” (though they do have have the budget and the breasts) and the diction of the pair from “Gamezville”, but the show has more passion for the subject in a single review than most of its counterparts were able to muster in their entire run.

So go watch it, tell your friends about it, and collectively point and laugh at the large areas of Britain who aren’t party to it.

Lithium Flower

Last Dinosaur

Speedy Marie

Gold Lion

Four ships in a week. I’m aware that losing ships is all a part of Eve, but how frequently are you supposed to lose them?

The first, “Lithium Flower” lasted almost an hour from inception to destruction and could be essentially discounted as the result of naivety on behalf of the “n00b” player.

The second “Last Dinosaur” was seemingly on a roll, managing to rack up a few mission victories before being dispatched in no uncertain terms in a battle that resulted in the loss of a friend’s, rather more costly, battleship.

The third, “Speedy Marie” was a deviation away from the norm in that it was a different type of ship to the previous two, a faster, more agile version. Sadly, like it says in the opening lyric of the song for which it was named, it only “had a bit part”. A quick half hour before being blasted to dust by the same fiends that claimed the “Lithium Flower”.

The fourth, “Gold Lion”, modelled on the third, but with a new tactic in mind was entirely underwhelming, though it faired a little better than its predecessor. Far from being worth its weight in gold, it came out closer to being worth its weight in lions and indeed it burst in the vacuum of space with just about the same gusto as they would have.

I don’t understand how I’ve managed such dismal performances: Eve’s essentially a multiplayer, 3-d version of “Tyrian” and I was great at that…

Ah, Eve Online, how you make me wish that a. I could fly a real spaceship (not this kind of junk) and b. that space was really this pretty.

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