HeadWillCollapse

According to those somewhat sugar-coated army-jobs videos that pop up during advert breaks, the British Army pilots its remote unmanned spy planes using 360 controllers. While I like the idea of ARMYMODUK unlocking achievements and racking up high scores for Queen and country, I can’t say I’m entirely happy with their choice of peripheral.

The original X-Box’s controller was, as everyone remembers, the size of a bear. The Japanese version of it: the “Controller S”, however, was lovely and deserves a spot in the joystick hall of fame (and such a hall of fame should be established to hold it). Following on from that success, Microsoft created the 360 controller. Similar in size and layout to the “Controller S” the 360 controller differs from its last generation counterpart in one important aspect: it has one of the worst directional pads in the entire world.

Now, I’m all for the military keeping its technology up to date, but I don’t feel comfortable with the prospect of life and death decisions being made using a such a device. If it can’t be guaranteed to put descending blocks where you intended in Lumines, how can it be relied upon in a combat situation?

Besides, if we’re prepared to use toys during war then where will the adoption of civilian gaming devices end? I for one do not wish to see Armageddon ushered in by an elderly General and his grandchildren waving Wiimotes around in front of the War Room’s threat-board while the PM authorises nuclear strikes on a DDR mat; I don’t care how many gamer points it’s worth.

Fat Conan is a fan of B-movies, he has been since he was young barbarian watching late-night channel 4 on a black and white telly. There was a time when that channel showed dreadful classic after dreadful classic and many a Saturday morning was met in the presence Godzilla, dome headed aliens or deadly creatures from the depths. In his early twenties FC encountered a pair of classics that would outshine those that came before them in just about every aspect of cinematic failure. This pairing was 1977’s “Damnation Alley” and 1992 TV movie “Steel Justice“, true masterpieces of the genre, whatever genre that may be. Needless to say FC loved them both. (more…)

Multiplayer Nintendogs re-enactment “Crufts” will soon be upon us, and while waiting for the men-in-motors buffoonery of BBC two’s “Top Gear” I happily caught the end of the BBC’s heads-up on the event. The show came from the grounds of Lord and Lady Whatever’s 17th century stately mansion and was presented by the same people who normally present programmes concerned chiefly with horses and horse-related activities. It all seemed a bit grand for an event that will predominantly feature dogs sweating in Birmingham.

(more…)

Sunday evening saw the most triumphant return of “VideoGaiden” to BBC Scotchland. Needless to say it’s far and away the best video-game show to date and has finally stopped us lonely, obese, Firefly-loving gamers pining for the days of GamesMaster.

Sure it lacks the sophistication and class of “Bits” (though they do have have the budget and the breasts) and the diction of the pair from “Gamezville”, but the show has more passion for the subject in a single review than most of its counterparts were able to muster in their entire run.

So go watch it, tell your friends about it, and collectively point and laugh at the large areas of Britain who aren’t party to it.

It’s true, they did and back then I thought it was pretty cool too. Of course, this lot have done it a whole lot better.

There should probably be a spoiler warning in here somewhere…

I’m a bit of an “Alias” fan. I’m currently working my way through the last series, waiting patiently for them to bring out the final boxed set so that I might be allowed sweet, sweet closure. The mention of Jennifer Garner in yesterday’s post got me thinking about the doll of Jennifer (as Syndey Bristow) I have in my room. As creepy as that sounds it’s not what you’re all thinking. The figurine is about six inches tall, was a Christmas present from a friend and is special in that it bears no resemblance to Ms. Garner whatsoever. (more…)

Your host, Fat Conan, has just been lucky enough to witness some of “Britain’s Sexual Fantasies” on the UK’s premier television channel. For those of you who missed it, it was a deep and wholly “scientific” exploration of the minds of UK perverts as they shared their deepest erotic fantasies with a small bald man.

Inspired by this and in a moment of unparalleled openness, FC thought he’d follow the example of the “actors” (portraying the “real people” from whom the stories were harvested) by sharing one of his own. (more…)